BuelahMan
Lynda
kelsosnuts
TO: Ms. Mary Matalin, Publisher
c/o Richard “Dick” Cheney’s Ass
Suite 303, Mezzanine Level
Washington, D.C.
Dear Ms Matalin:
After reading many excerpts from “An Obama Nation” by Jerome Corsi, I am writing to request that you consider publishing my upcoming book, tentatively titled “The Truth About Truth-Tellers & The Nit-Picking Fact-Mongers Who Are Out to Get Them”.
I am in possession of many interesting facts about Bush, Cheney, and other high-profile personalities active in today’s political arena.
While I don’t want to tip my hand, I will include a few examples of what I have compiled thus far, along with the unimpeachable sources for each fact stated:
Fact: Laura Welch was paid over one brazilion dollars to marry George W, and act as his “beard” while he pursued affairs with young (preferably bald) men.
Source: A former neighbor of mine, also named Welch, who is obviously in a position to know about such goings-on within her own family. She can be easily contacted at her residence, 101 Ocean Parkway or c/o Bellvue Hospital (address dependent on whether she is on or off her meds).
Fact: Dick Cheney once shot in a man in Texas just to watch him die.
Source: Preferring to simply be identified by the initials H.W. these days for obvious reasons, the victim miraculously survived this attempt on his life – but can be reached at an undisclosed location to verify his story.
Fact: Donald Rumsfeld is a secret cross-dresser, who can only achieve orgasm through masturbation while viewing photographs of Abu Ghraib torture victims and simultaneously eating chocolate.
Source: “Hellfire Helga”, who runs an S & M brothel on M Street in D.C., situated between an M&M’s factory on K Street and a Whips ‘R’ Us franchise on L Street, and obviously knows whereof she speaks.
FACT: Former AG John “Ash” Ashcroft is NOT one of us; he is an “artificial human”.
Source: Lieutenant Ellen L. Ripley, currently assigned to duty aboard the US Space Ship Nostromo.
FACT: Karl Rove regularly eats babies as part of a Satanic ritual.
Source: Gregor St. Clair, head waiter at Signatures Restaurant in DC, who has receipts showing that Rove consistently ordered baby spinach salad, new potatoes, very young veal, and devil’s food cake on a regular basis. (Rove’s ties to China, as evidenced by his prediliction for Peking Duck, have also not gone unnoticed.)
FACT: George H.W. Bush and Hermann Goering were on the same bowling team, and spent their time between strikes and spares plotting the downfall of the USA.
Source: Mac “The Whack” Wackowski, who has been panhandling at the corner of Broadway and 52nd Street since 1972, and can prove said allegations with three Crayolas, a Jon Nagy “Learn to Draw” kit, and an etch-a-sketch.
FACT: John McCain and Abe “Grandpa” Simpson are one and the same person.”
Source: In this case, multiple sources are available and obvious: both men have a get-off-my-lawn attitude, have never been photographed together, have never been known to have attended the same cocktail party simultaneously – and it is widely accepted as doubtful that either have slept with Cindy McCain since the early ‘eighties.
FACT: Bush & Cheney “best bud” Ken Lay was a lyin’, theivin’, lower than pond-scum crook.
Source: Ken Lay. Secondary source: A man going by the name of Len Kay, a reclusive international beach-bum with access to millions and no visible means of support.)
FACT: SOS Condi Rice is a high-priced hooker, whose demands for ever-escalating fees has led to chaos in world markets.
Source: Keith Bradsher (of the NYT, no less!), March 2008: “The price of Rice has almost doubled on international markets in the last three months. That has pinched the budgets of millions of poor Asians and raised fears of civil unrest.”
FACT: This Administration is firmly in-the-pocket of lobbyist money.
Source: Prisoner No. 74630280, aka “J.A.” Visiting hours from 1:00 p.m to 4:15 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays; known to have his tongue loosened by a $25 credit at the prison commissary towards the purchase of kosher snacks.
This, as they say, is just the tip of the iceberg. I am also knowlegable about real “facts” to do with voter suppression, Diebold, Blackwater, no-bid Halliburton contracts, etc. – but I am aware that you are not interested in such trivialities, substantiated or not.
I also realize that you don’t know me from Ann Coulter’s Adam’s Apple, and may be skeptical of my credentials. But being as I am a Democrat, perhaps you could ask your husband to vouch for me, as I understand he once had a tenuous relationship with my party.
Thanks in advance for your kind consideration of my literary work.
Breathlessly Awaiting Your Reply,
Nance Greggs
