The Onion

The Jews Did It

Ho, Ho, Ho! 9/11 Was An Inside Job!

Ho, Ho, Ho! 9/11 Was An Inside Job!

Commentary • Opinion • ISSUE 48•50 • Dec 12, 2012

By Santa Claus

h/t The Onion and DublinMick (please check out mick’s blog, as well)

Maybe Not So Far Fetched

Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama

h/t The Onion

CHARLESTON, WV—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than U.S. president Barack Obama. “I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.” According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.

The RNC Sheople

RNC should mean “Really, Nobody Cares”

But apparently there are certain powers (some might insist that it is “Jewish” powers) that have hijacked any semblence of free elections. Just look at what is said in a “prayer” and by whom… don’t forget to pay attention to the biggest applause getting lines of a “prayer”:

h/t commenter virtual virgil at Kenny’s Sideshow

(BTW: one needs to read Kenny’s entire post for it relates Mitt’s Beanie cap wearing to his desire to continue “Jewish” control of America via Mormon idiotology)

American sheople watched this on TV (h/t DProgram):

From a commenter at the above video: This a video of the death of the GOP. Now that the party is no longer conservative, constitutional, or supports freedom…….the true conservatives, who are not warmongers, dont support the mega bank criminals, the people on wall street and care about the rights of the citizen, will leave the GOP. Time for a political party that is not “owned” by the elites.

What a dreamer. For God’s sake, if they didn’t know this before now, they have no intellect or discernment.

Really, only the Ron Paul sycophants care. You would think that America would be pissed, but they aren’t. The truth is, that even if America cared about Grampa Ron and elected him, they would be ushering in the same old austerity that Romney/Ryan or Obama/Whomever will usher in. The problem is that the Paultards are too stupid to realize this.

Truly, the whole thing is a parody unto itself. Which brings me to what I wish really happened:

Jeb Bush Warns RNC Attendees Of Bad Cialis Going Around Parking Lot

TAMPA, FL—According to sources on the floor of the Republican National Convention, former Florida governor Jeb Bush made his way through the crowd Wednesday afternoon to spread the word about a bad batch of Cialis that some guys were trying to sell out in the parking lot. “Don’t waste your money on any of that stuff they’re hawking out there,” said Bush, who reportedly took John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Newt Gingrich aside to emphasize that the pills were “really weak shit.” “You get your hopes up. You think, ‘Wow, $35 Cialis?’ But it’s bunk. If you want the good stuff, you gotta pay for it.” At press time, Bush was again making the rounds to inform everyone the Levitra he had acquired from a guy backstage had turned out to be “absolutely primo.”

BREAKING: John McCain Just Blew His Brains Out During RNC Speech

Senator Had Been Depressed About Current State Of GOP, Career

TAMPA, FL—Republican National Convention officials are confirming that John McCain, the five-term senator from Arizona and former presidential nominee, has just shot and killed himself during his address to GOP delegates.

McCain—who at various points during his speech seemed out of sorts and apparently went off prompter to ask the assembled crowd, “What has this party become? What have I become?”—reportedly pulled out a .22-caliber Magnum revolver from his jacket pocket, held it to his head, stared unblinkingly at the crowd, and pulled the trigger, sending frightened attendees into a chaotic frenzy and his own limp body to the ground…

Read the rest here.

Republican National Convention Day 2

It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself

It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself

By U.S. Army Pfc. Edwin Quinones
August 15, 2012 | ISSUE 48•33

Ever since I was a kid I dreamed of joining the Army. So as soon as I could, I went down to my local recruiter and enlisted, knowing full well that I’d probably be sent to Afghanistan. Now, with my first deployment less than a week away, there’s only one thing on my mind: how incredibly proud I’ll be to fight for my country, experience crippling psychological trauma, wait indefinitely for the proper health care, and then eventually become so depressed and mentally ill that I commit suicide.

It’s what I’ve always known I was born to do.

It’s a matter of principle, really. From a young age I was taught that throughout our history, Americans have had to stand up and fight for the freedoms we enjoy. I always knew that when the time came, I would serve with honor and nobly suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder until my only recourse was to end my own life. So it’s with eager anticipation that I head off to the battlefield to defend, be ignored by, and then—left all alone, with my personal demons closing in—kill myself for the land I love so dearly.

Honestly, it would be my distinct pleasure and privilege to not get the medical help I need for injuries suffered while risking my life for my country.

That’s why we take the oath, isn’t it? To do our jobs with humility and valor, and to come home haunted by visions of our commanding officer, who promised he’d bring everyone back alive, being blown to bits by a cleverly disguised roadside bomb? In my mind it doesn’t matter what unspeakable horrors I witness, I’ll just be grateful for the privilege of having to wait at least six months to see a VA psychologist and in the interim turn toward alcoholism and drug addiction until I decide the only path to relief is putting a bullet in my head.

I know no greater honor than relying on an agency with a backlog of more than half a million claims that can’t get its shit together enough to transfer its paper files to a central computer.

HOO-ah!

I’m reminded of all the patriotic men and women who came before me. Those who had the chance to accidentally breathe Agent Orange in Vietnam and never get a proper diagnosis, only to become estranged from society, spiral downward into homelessness, and eventually freeze to death in an alley alone. And let’s not forget the thousands who nobly returned from Desert Storm with a mysterious illness the Army never fully admitted or identified the cause of, a syndrome resulting in chronic pain that prevented so many from ever being able to hold down a steady job.

Knowing about the care they deserved but didn’t receive fills me with great pride for my country. And it would be a true honor—this soldier’s duty, really—to follow in their footsteps.

But let’s remember that behind every soldier are the loved ones whose sacrifices are no less important. You’d better believe I’m looking forward to coming back from war and having to drink a fifth of Jack Daniel’s every night just to fall asleep, and even then having nightmares so powerful my wife has to shake me awake. Lying in bed racked with anxiety, she’ll no doubt see her husband as a hero whose untreated illness puts her at constant risk of being physically harmed.

And to see the look on my child’s face as he watches his own father, fresh off the battlefield, crying in a fetal position in the corner of his living room because he can’t get the help he needs, even though he’s been calling doctors for three straight months—tell me, is there any feeling greater than that? I don’t think there is.

So when I finally can’t take it any longer and decide to check into a hotel to end my own life, please know that I have but one simple request: My agonizing struggle and tragically preventable death should be the last thing on anyone’s mind. Because the only thing that’s important for someone like me, who will be dedicating his life to serving his country, is that my government lets me waste away until I become a shell of my former self.

That’s what being an American soldier is all about.

h/t The Onion (no, it isn’t funny, but is representative of what seems to be happening to those who cannot see the Empire for the lies it represents)

I Don’t Want Healthcare If Just Anyone Can Have It

I Don’t Want Healthcare If Just Anyone Can Have It

By Jocelyn Chao
March 7, 2007 | ISSUE 43•10

The Executive Arm Of The Invisible Government Has Hoodwinked You

A friend and fellow blogger (RawDawg Buffalo) has been on a tear over the Trayvon case. This is a brilliant man, but it appears that he has been taken in by the propaganda intent on doing precisely what it did to him… foster and feed the divide of race so that he and his readers will not focus on the true travesty that is tearing the country apart… the rich bastards who are stealing each and every bit of wealth this country has and impoverishing us all and those intent on ruling us as if we are serfs.

This is not to say that race isn’t an issue in this country. But it is to say that the powers that be understand that they direly need a diversion that will take our attention away from them. Barack Obama is using it to garner the black vote again, after having almost lost them. Just goes to prove how gullible they are. But, whites are equally ignorant and ready to fuel the divide and rhetoric that the “other side” easily sways them to follow.

I have to ask: can’t any of you figure out that you are being used?

I am not defending the “Hispanic Jew”, Zimmerman. He very well may have hunted this dude down and shot him outright, for all I know. Or, for all you know, he may have asked this young man what he was doing in his neighborhood and was attacked and then shot him in self-defense. None of us knows for sure, especially that idiot Mike Tyson. Or the Black Panthers (for all I know, this story is BS, too). Or the KKK (that never showed up as reported).

Does this ignorant ole redneck have to tell you (AGAIN) that anything you read or see on the MSM is propaganda? That their entire purpose is to propel the ignorance and further the divide between us? Are you so far gone that you cannot see the true enemy and you have to feed your hatred by spreading the chasm even farther, instead of coming together to fight the real enemy? Did you not see this glaring example that NBC carried out to make you black folk mad at whites?

That link takes you to DC Dave’s blog and he lays out a little ditty that proves the entire thing seems to be a propaganda attack:

How did the shooting death of one person resulting from an altercation of some sort make it out of the local news coverage in Sanford, Florida, to become not just national news, but virtually the biggest national news story going?  It’s certainly a legitimate question, and it’s one we hoped to see answered by the lead story in today’s Washington Post Style section, “How Martin Case became Martin Story,” subtitled “Scant coverage early on sparked PR campaign.” (Online title, “Trayvon Martin story found the media”)

We can stop right there.  We do learn from the article that there was, in fact, a public relations campaign.  “A pivotal, if little-known, figure in the Martin story’s development was Ryan Julison, an Orlando public relations executive who began working with the Martin family at the behest of its attorneys, Benjamin Crump and Natalie Jackson,” says The Post.

What this means, one may presume, is that the Martin family hired a public relations firm to publicize the story.  But was the initial coverage of the story really unduly scant, thereby “sparking” the PR campaign?

Here’s how the body of the Post article starts:

It began as a routine police-blotter item, a journalistic afterthought. On Feb. 26, the Orlando Sentinel’s online edition devoted a few dozen words to the fatal shooting of an unnamed teenager in the nearby town of Sanford. The story also made the late news that night on WOFL the local Fox affiliate.

The Sentinel followed a day later with another brief item, this one noting the young victim’s name and age: Trayvon Martin, 17. The paper said it wasn’t identifying the shooter, a man in his 20s, “because he has not been charged.” The early police accounts of the episode made it seem nothing more than “a fight gone bad,” recalled John Cutter, the Sentinel’s associate editor.

And then…nothing.

Absent a public relations campaign isn’t this about the coverage one would expect in such a case?  The police had examined the matter.  George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watch volunteer, was on his home turf.  The police apparently saw sufficient physical evidence to support his assertion that he shot in self defense, and they filed no charges.

As The Post tells it, it was the Martin parents’ outrage over the lack of a criminal charge that led them to the lawyers and thence to this amazingly effective PR guy.  But was it really the family’s public relations campaign that has vaulted this story into the national news, or has something more sinister been at work?  You can read this Style section article as thoroughly and carefully as possible, and nowhere will you find any mention of the malicious role played by NBC and its editing of the tape of the 911 call that Zimmerman made, which makes Zimmerman out to be a racist.  The Post knows about it because it had this little item on Erik Wemple’s very hard to find blog exactly a week ago:

So, if you understood that, it appears that Trayvon’s family was upset and hired a PR firm to get this some MSM focus. Does that not reek of bullshit to you? It does me.

It is highly possible that you never saw this, one of the very first coverages of this story:

Trayvon was on a 10 day suspension from M-DCPS which has father has just claimed was for being in an unauthorized area, but refused to give more details.
http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/03/22/2708960/trayvon-martin-a-typical-teen.html
attached is the Code of Student Conduct for secondary students
http://ehandbooks.dadeschools.net/policies/90/csc_sec.pdf

Concealed Carry Law in FL in regards to flashing a weapon, and an explanation as to why Martin had no way of knowing that Zimmerman was armed.
Never display a handgun to gain “leverage” in an argument. Threatening someone verbally while possessing a handgun, even licensed, will land you in jail for three years.
http://licgweb.doacs.state.fl.us/weapons/self_defense.html

And the poor bastards never even saw it coming:

NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation’s sorry sons of bitches never even saw it coming. The study found that two-thirds of those surveyed didn’t stand a chance, 21 percent never would’ve thought for a second, and 2 percent were just sitting there minding their own business when all of a sudden, whack, right in the back of the head. “Poor bastards,” head researcher David Childress said. The report also showed that the remaining 4 percent did manage to see it coming, but before they had a chance to do a damn thing about it, it was too late.

h/t BrasscheckTV and The Onion and DCDave and RawDawgBuffalo

Being A “Good Man”: What Does It Get You?

I was discussing a personal subject with Dr Doug the other day as we worked together. I made mention that irregardless of certain circumstances and issues that have happened to me over the decades, I felt like I was a “good man”. Meaning that I feel like I am moral, fair, seek truth, and attempt to do whatever I can to make this world a better place than when I got here (I am failing miserably, btw). If I tell someone I will do somewthing, I try my damndest to do it.

When I uttered the oath to protect the Constitution: I meant it.

When I made my marriage vows: I meant it.

I believe that most who truly know me, know that I am no liar and perhaps truthful to a fault (this is something that I wasn’t so keen on when I was very young).

Many times I feel that if I had just become “one of them” (the lying liars who will say or do anything to get ahead), I could be worth $Millions.

So, when I read this link, I thought that it describes me in several ways:

High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions

CHARLESTON, SC—With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has cost the 42-year-old idiot millions of dollars over the years, reports confirmed Friday.The moronic small-business owner, whose moral tenets are said to include basic human kindness and always trying to do what’s right, reportedly never cuts any corners and is unwilling to fuck people over, poor habits that have led him into a life of endless mortgage payments, credit card debt, and a relatively small personal net worth.

Worse yet, sources indicated, the dumbshit has no one to blame for being a good person but himself.

“What a complete and utter fool,” Stanford University sociologist Anya Arneson said of the astonishingly stupid man, describing his insistence on providing quality health care for his employees and paying them fair salaries as “just plain dumb.” “It’s as though he’s operating under some kind of intangible but deep-seated conviction that being a fair, decent human being is somehow more valuable than making a quick buck.”

“Who are we dealing with here?” she added. “A complete imbecile, apparently.”

Through ridiculous acts of moral rectitude such as returning found wallets and lending his brother $2,500 for vocational school, the dumb-ass—who by all accounts is a weak-willed individual who treats his business rivals with respect instead of simply crushing them—almost seems to be looking for ways to lose money, sources noted.

Moreover, at every turn, his steady moral compass has reportedly prevented him from ever embracing shady business deals, hiring a crooked accountant to skirt income-tax laws, or taking advantage of numerous moneymaking schemes that could have vaulted him into a higher tax bracket.

According to colleagues, Premus previously worked as a corporate account manager, but his lackluster career floundered as a result of his shortsighted refusal to stab his coworkers in the back, a boneheaded move that cost the retarded dumbfuck several promotions, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and a chance to one day become a partner in the firm.

Estimates indicate the dimwit could have amassed a net worth of $4.8 million dollars by his 40th birthday if he had simply been a cutthroat prick all his life.

“I never got the guy, quite frankly” said former coworker Hal Olson, a morally reprehensible man in every respect whose willingness to play dirty office politics has allowed him to dine at the finest restaurants, afford a vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard, and drive a Mercedes S-class convertible. “He was nice and all, which I appreciated, but how far does something like that really take you?”

“[Company CEO] Charles [Wilkins] actually really liked him, so that’s why I started stealing his work and passing it off as my own,” he added. “Premus could have thrown me under the bus any number of times, but he never did. I just remember thinking, ‘Okay, chump! It’s your funeral.’”

While his efforts to be a responsible citizen, faithful husband, and devoted father have made him look like a drooling moron in the eyes of his peers, Premus himself still doesn’t seem to understand that each day he spends clinging to his scruples, he screws himself over a little bit more.

“My parents always told me to treat others the way you would like to be treated, and that’s what I’ve taught my daughters,” said the idiot, who in one sentence summed up why no one in his entire family will ever live free from financial worry or hardship. “In the end, it’s just the right thing to do.”

h/t The Onion for more truth than laughs on this one.

To slightly change the subject, let me ask you: Is THIS a good man?

Tennessee Rednecks? Does this make you proud, or what?

Knowing The Enemy… Frank Miller’s Take

Anarchy

Everybody’s been too damn polite about this nonsense:
The “Occupy” movement, whether displaying itself on Wall Street or in the streets of Oakland (which has, with unspeakable cowardice, embraced it) is anything but an exercise of our blessed First Amendment. “Occupy” is nothing but a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness. These clowns can do nothing but harm America.
“Occupy” is nothing short of a clumsy, poorly-expressed attempt at anarchy, to the extent that the “movement” – HAH! Some “movement”, except if the word “bowel” is attached – is anything more than an ugly fashion statement by a bunch of iPhone, iPad wielding spoiled brats who should stop getting in the way of working people and find jobs for themselves.
This is no popular uprising. This is garbage. And goodness knows they’re spewing their garbage – both politically and physically – every which way they can find.
Wake up, pond scum. America is at war against a ruthless enemy.
Maybe, between bouts of self-pity and all the other tasty tidbits of narcissism you’ve been served up in your sheltered, comfy little worlds, you’ve heard terms like al-Qaeda and Islamicism.
And this enemy of mine — not of yours, apparently – must be getting a dark chuckle, if not an outright horselaugh – out of your vain, childish, self-destructive spectacle.
In the name of decency, go home to your parents, you losers. Go back to your mommas’ basements and play with your Lords Of Warcraft.
Or better yet, enlist for the real thing. Maybe our military could whip some of you into shape.
They might not let you babies keep your iPhones, though. Try to soldier on.
Schmucks.
FM

And, YES, this is real, even tho I h/t The Onion‘s Sean ONeal, by responding with:

Indeed, go home to your mom’s basements and play with your Lords Of Warcraft things—which are the childish and dumb pursuits of most OWS protesters—while Frank Miller gets on with the business of men: creating comic books that can then be turned into big-budget movies by corporations that you babies can then drool over in your sheltered, comfy little worlds while watching them on your iPads. (Please.) And also know this, Occupy Wall Street protesters: Right now Frank Miller is drawing Batman punching you so, so hard. [via THR]

You should take the time to read thru the comments section of the Anarchy blog post. InsightfulInciteful.

Related articles

• AV Club vs Frank Miller vs Occupy (boingboing.net)
• Frank Miller on OWS: ‘Go Back to Your Mommas’ Basements!” (inquisitr.com)
• Frank Miller, Fascist Mouthpiece, Is a Cranky Old Hack (biblioklept.org)
• Frank Miller, Losing His Mind, Occupy Wall Street and My Thoughts (graphicpolicy.com)
• Frank Miller posts idiotic, reactionary rant about Occupy Wall Street (dangerousminds.net)

You Are What You Eat

Surely he knew that eating shit can only lead to bad experiences.

In a somewhat related story:

Serena Williams Fined $2000 For Eating Chair Umpire

“Eat Shit and Die” by Margaret Cho and Grant Lee Phillips

h/t BoingBoing and The Onion

Restoration Of ‘Star Spangled Banner’ Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Susan Eckman from The National Archives comes on Today Now! to share newly discovered National Anthem verses about brutally decapitating enemies during the War of 1812.

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Prematurely Born-Again Christian Suffers Complications

Obama Revises Campaign Promise Of ‘Change’ To ‘Relatively Minor Readjustments In Certain Favorable Policy Areas’

Finally, the truth is in the word play:

WASHINGTON—In a slight shift from his campaign trail promise, President Obama announced Monday that his administration’s message of “Change” has been modified to the somewhat more restrained slogan “Relatively Minor Readjustments in Certain Favorable Policy Areas.”

“Today, Americans face a great many challenges, and I hear your desperate calls for barely measurable and largely symbolic improvements in the status quo,” said Obama, who vowed never to waver in his fight for every last infinitesimal nudge forward on the controversial issues of torture and the military ban on homosexuals. “Remember: Yes we can, if by that you mean tiptoeing around potentially unpopular decisions that could alienate a large segment of the populace.” Washington insiders said that, while the new mottos are certainly in keeping with Obama’s pledge of government transparency, they are significantly less catchy.

h/t The Onion

New Hope For “Hoo-Has”, “Tatas” and The Nether Regions

Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There

STOCKHOLM—In recognition of her groundbreaking work treating life- threatening diseases of the privates, renowned hoo-ha specialist Dr. Victoria Lazoff was awarded the Nobel Prize in Lady Medicine this week.

The world’s foremost authority on ailments down south, Lazoff led a team of cutting-edge hoo-ha doctors to develop new strategies for detecting abnormal growth in…you know, that area. The accomplished physician humbly accepted medicine’s highest honor before a crowd of her peers, and spoke about the importance of regular screenings to prevent unnecessary complications up inside one’s business.

“Recent advancements have brought us closer than ever to eliminating this threat, but early detection is still our best defense,” said Dr. Lazoff, who earned a doctorate in lady parts from Johns Hopkins University. “I thank you all for this great honor, which I hope will finally bring the world’s attention to the serious matter of [hoo-ha] disease.”

Attendees said Lazoff then presented a number of slides pertaining to the, uh, nether-type zone.

This marks the first time in more than 20 years that a Nobel Prize has been given to a physician who specializes in all that stuff downstairs. Committee members praised Lazoff for helping to stem the frightening epidemic, which last year killed more women than ta-ta and derriere cancer combined.

In many cases, Lazoff’s methods have been able to prevent the spread of malignant cells from the inside of the um, geez, to the…more inside of…you know, the part that’s sort of, uh….God, is it getting hot in here?

During the remarkably noninvasive procedure, targeted blasts of radiation are delivered to the, err, naughty region through a special, well, wand-like device that is—ahem—inserted near the, ho boy, “affected area.”

You get the picture.

The treatment was also found to eliminate fibrous growths without causing nerve damage to the surrounding bits, the inside stuff, and that other thing that looks kind of like a rubber hoop. For these reasons, Lazoff’s work has been heralded by many in her field as “invaluable” to modern medicine.

“Dr. Lazoff is a brilliant and dedicated physician who has saved countless lives with her research, and I can think of no one more deserving of this award,” said noted pediatric oncologist Dr. Harold Brimson. “How many do you think she sees in a day? Must be a ton.”

Accompanying the Nobel Prize is a $1.4 million grant that, according to medical experts, can buy Lazoff a lot of those metal spreader thingies. But the talented physician told reporters she is not interested in monetary reward, and only hopes to educate at-risk women about their own vag—genit—about their health.

“We should be encouraging an open dialogue with our young women, one that isn’t constrained by some outdated facade of 1950s morality,” Lazoff said to a crowd of people looking down at their shoes. “I cannot say this clearly enough: Ladies, please, make an appointment to get your annual [looksie-doo], especially if you are [seeing a fella] or have experienced pain or sensitivity in your ['Hello, my baby! Hello, my darling! Hello, my ragtime gal!'].”

Added Lazoff, “It is time for this country to begin having a frank discussion about the [sound of loud, extended train whistle].”

Let’s give a great big Labia tip to The Onion

Oh, and there are graphics.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Hint… hint…

h/t The Onion