BuelahMan's Revolt

A Redneck's Guide To Reversing The Corptocracy Brainwashing

Archive for the ‘The Onion’ Category

The Executive Arm Of The Invisible Government Has Hoodwinked You

Posted by BuelahMan on April 16, 2012

A friend and fellow blogger (RawDawg Buffalo) has been on a tear over the Trayvon case. This is a brilliant man, but it appears that he has been taken in by the propaganda intent on doing precisely what it did to him… foster and feed the divide of race so that he and his readers will not focus on the true travesty that is tearing the country apart… the rich bastards who are stealing each and every bit of wealth this country has and impoverishing us all and those intent on ruling us as if we are serfs.

This is not to say that race isn’t an issue in this country. But it is to say that the powers that be understand that they direly need a diversion that will take our attention away from them. Barack Obama is using it to garner the black vote again, after having almost lost them. Just goes to prove how gullible they are. But, whites are equally ignorant and ready to fuel the divide and rhetoric that the “other side” easily sways them to follow.

I have to ask: can’t any of you figure out that you are being used?

I am not defending the “Hispanic Jew”, Zimmerman. He very well may have hunted this dude down and shot him outright, for all I know. Or, for all you know, he may have asked this young man what he was doing in his neighborhood and was attacked and then shot him in self-defense. None of us knows for sure, especially that idiot Mike Tyson. Or the Black Panthers (for all I know, this story is BS, too). Or the KKK (that never showed up as reported).

Does this ignorant ole redneck have to tell you (AGAIN) that anything you read or see on the MSM is propaganda? That their entire purpose is to propel the ignorance and further the divide between us? Are you so far gone that you cannot see the true enemy and you have to feed your hatred by spreading the chasm even farther, instead of coming together to fight the real enemy? Did you not see this glaring example that NBC carried out to make you black folk mad at whites?

That link takes you to DC Dave’s blog and he lays out a little ditty that proves the entire thing seems to be a propaganda attack:

How did the shooting death of one person resulting from an altercation of some sort make it out of the local news coverage in Sanford, Florida, to become not just national news, but virtually the biggest national news story going?  It’s certainly a legitimate question, and it’s one we hoped to see answered by the lead story in today’s Washington Post Style section, “How Martin Case became Martin Story,” subtitled “Scant coverage early on sparked PR campaign.” (Online title, “Trayvon Martin story found the media”)

We can stop right there.  We do learn from the article that there was, in fact, a public relations campaign.  “A pivotal, if little-known, figure in the Martin story’s development was Ryan Julison, an Orlando public relations executive who began working with the Martin family at the behest of its attorneys, Benjamin Crump and Natalie Jackson,” says The Post.

What this means, one may presume, is that the Martin family hired a public relations firm to publicize the story.  But was the initial coverage of the story really unduly scant, thereby “sparking” the PR campaign?

Here’s how the body of the Post article starts:

It began as a routine police-blotter item, a journalistic afterthought. On Feb. 26, the Orlando Sentinel’s online edition devoted a few dozen words to the fatal shooting of an unnamed teenager in the nearby town of Sanford. The story also made the late news that night on WOFL the local Fox affiliate.

The Sentinel followed a day later with another brief item, this one noting the young victim’s name and age: Trayvon Martin, 17. The paper said it wasn’t identifying the shooter, a man in his 20s, “because he has not been charged.” The early police accounts of the episode made it seem nothing more than “a fight gone bad,” recalled John Cutter, the Sentinel’s associate editor.

And then…nothing.

Absent a public relations campaign isn’t this about the coverage one would expect in such a case?  The police had examined the matter.  George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watch volunteer, was on his home turf.  The police apparently saw sufficient physical evidence to support his assertion that he shot in self defense, and they filed no charges.

As The Post tells it, it was the Martin parents’ outrage over the lack of a criminal charge that led them to the lawyers and thence to this amazingly effective PR guy.  But was it really the family’s public relations campaign that has vaulted this story into the national news, or has something more sinister been at work?  You can read this Style section article as thoroughly and carefully as possible, and nowhere will you find any mention of the malicious role played by NBC and its editing of the tape of the 911 call that Zimmerman made, which makes Zimmerman out to be a racist.  The Post knows about it because it had this little item on Erik Wemple’s very hard to find blog exactly a week ago:

So, if you understood that, it appears that Trayvon’s family was upset and hired a PR firm to get this some MSM focus. Does that not reek of bullshit to you? It does me.

It is highly possible that you never saw this, one of the very first coverages of this story:

Trayvon was on a 10 day suspension from M-DCPS which has father has just claimed was for being in an unauthorized area, but refused to give more details.
http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/03/22/2708960/trayvon-martin-a-typical-teen.html
attached is the Code of Student Conduct for secondary students
http://ehandbooks.dadeschools.net/policies/90/csc_sec.pdf

Concealed Carry Law in FL in regards to flashing a weapon, and an explanation as to why Martin had no way of knowing that Zimmerman was armed.
Never display a handgun to gain “leverage” in an argument. Threatening someone verbally while possessing a handgun, even licensed, will land you in jail for three years.
http://licgweb.doacs.state.fl.us/weapons/self_defense.html

And the poor bastards never even saw it coming:

NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation’s sorry sons of bitches never even saw it coming. The study found that two-thirds of those surveyed didn’t stand a chance, 21 percent never would’ve thought for a second, and 2 percent were just sitting there minding their own business when all of a sudden, whack, right in the back of the head. “Poor bastards,” head researcher David Childress said. The report also showed that the remaining 4 percent did manage to see it coming, but before they had a chance to do a damn thing about it, it was too late.

h/t BrasscheckTV and The Onion and DCDave and RawDawgBuffalo

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All posts are opinions meant to foster comment, reporting, teaching & study under the “fair use doctrine” in Sec. 107 of U.S. Code Title 17. No statement of fact is made or should be implied. Ads appearing on this blog are solely the product of the advertiser and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of BuehlahMan’s Revolt or WordPress.com

Posted in Accountability, Responsibility & Answerability, Big Money, BrassCheckTV, Cheats and Scoundrels, DC Dave, Disinformation, RawDawgBuffalo, REAL State of the Union, Society, The Onion, Video | 1 Comment »

Being A “Good Man”: What Does It Get You?

Posted by BuelahMan on November 20, 2011

I was discussing a personal subject with Dr Doug the other day as we worked together. I made mention that irregardless of certain circumstances and issues that have happened to me over the decades, I felt like I was a “good man”. Meaning that I feel like I am moral, fair, seek truth, and attempt to do whatever I can to make this world a better place than when I got here (I am failing miserably, btw). If I tell someone I will do somewthing, I try my damndest to do it.

When I uttered the oath to protect the Constitution: I meant it.

When I made my marriage vows: I meant it.

I believe that most who truly know me, know that I am no liar and perhaps truthful to a fault (this is something that I wasn’t so keen on when I was very young).

Many times I feel that if I had just become “one of them” (the lying liars who will say or do anything to get ahead), I could be worth $Millions.

So, when I read this link, I thought that it describes me in several ways:

High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions

CHARLESTON, SC—With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has cost the 42-year-old idiot millions of dollars over the years, reports confirmed Friday.The moronic small-business owner, whose moral tenets are said to include basic human kindness and always trying to do what’s right, reportedly never cuts any corners and is unwilling to fuck people over, poor habits that have led him into a life of endless mortgage payments, credit card debt, and a relatively small personal net worth.

Worse yet, sources indicated, the dumbshit has no one to blame for being a good person but himself.

“What a complete and utter fool,” Stanford University sociologist Anya Arneson said of the astonishingly stupid man, describing his insistence on providing quality health care for his employees and paying them fair salaries as “just plain dumb.” “It’s as though he’s operating under some kind of intangible but deep-seated conviction that being a fair, decent human being is somehow more valuable than making a quick buck.”

“Who are we dealing with here?” she added. “A complete imbecile, apparently.”

Through ridiculous acts of moral rectitude such as returning found wallets and lending his brother $2,500 for vocational school, the dumb-ass—who by all accounts is a weak-willed individual who treats his business rivals with respect instead of simply crushing them—almost seems to be looking for ways to lose money, sources noted.

Moreover, at every turn, his steady moral compass has reportedly prevented him from ever embracing shady business deals, hiring a crooked accountant to skirt income-tax laws, or taking advantage of numerous moneymaking schemes that could have vaulted him into a higher tax bracket.

According to colleagues, Premus previously worked as a corporate account manager, but his lackluster career floundered as a result of his shortsighted refusal to stab his coworkers in the back, a boneheaded move that cost the retarded dumbfuck several promotions, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and a chance to one day become a partner in the firm.

Estimates indicate the dimwit could have amassed a net worth of $4.8 million dollars by his 40th birthday if he had simply been a cutthroat prick all his life.

“I never got the guy, quite frankly” said former coworker Hal Olson, a morally reprehensible man in every respect whose willingness to play dirty office politics has allowed him to dine at the finest restaurants, afford a vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard, and drive a Mercedes S-class convertible. “He was nice and all, which I appreciated, but how far does something like that really take you?”

“[Company CEO] Charles [Wilkins] actually really liked him, so that’s why I started stealing his work and passing it off as my own,” he added. “Premus could have thrown me under the bus any number of times, but he never did. I just remember thinking, ‘Okay, chump! It’s your funeral.’”

While his efforts to be a responsible citizen, faithful husband, and devoted father have made him look like a drooling moron in the eyes of his peers, Premus himself still doesn’t seem to understand that each day he spends clinging to his scruples, he screws himself over a little bit more.

“My parents always told me to treat others the way you would like to be treated, and that’s what I’ve taught my daughters,” said the idiot, who in one sentence summed up why no one in his entire family will ever live free from financial worry or hardship. “In the end, it’s just the right thing to do.”

h/t The Onion for more truth than laughs on this one.

To slightly change the subject, let me ask you: Is THIS a good man?

Tennessee Rednecks? Does this make you proud, or what?

Follow @BuelahMan

Did I rub you the wrong way or stroke you just right? Let me know below in the comments section or Email me at buelahman {AT} g m a i l {DOT} com

If for some reason you actually liked this post, click the “Like” button below. If you feel like someone else needs to see this (or you just want to ruin someone’s day), click the Share Button at the bottom of the post and heap this upon some undeserving soul. And as sad as this thought may be, it may be remotely possible that us rednecks here at The Revolt please you enough (or more than likely, you are just a glutton for punishment??), that you feel an overwhelming desire to subscribe via the Email subscription and/or RSS Feed buttons found on the upper right hand corner of this page (may the Lord have mercy on your soul).

All posts are opinions meant to foster comment, reporting, teaching & study under the “fair use doctrine” in Sec. 107 of U.S. Code Title 17. No statement of fact is made or should be implied. Ads appearing on this blog are solely the product of the advertiser and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of BuehlahMan’s Revolt or WordPress.com

Posted in Society, The Onion, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Knowing The Enemy… Frank Miller’s Take

Posted by BuelahMan on November 16, 2011

Anarchy

Everybody’s been too damn polite about this nonsense:
The “Occupy” movement, whether displaying itself on Wall Street or in the streets of Oakland (which has, with unspeakable cowardice, embraced it) is anything but an exercise of our blessed First Amendment. “Occupy” is nothing but a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness. These clowns can do nothing but harm America.
“Occupy” is nothing short of a clumsy, poorly-expressed attempt at anarchy, to the extent that the “movement” – HAH! Some “movement”, except if the word “bowel” is attached – is anything more than an ugly fashion statement by a bunch of iPhone, iPad wielding spoiled brats who should stop getting in the way of working people and find jobs for themselves.
This is no popular uprising. This is garbage. And goodness knows they’re spewing their garbage – both politically and physically – every which way they can find.
Wake up, pond scum. America is at war against a ruthless enemy.
Maybe, between bouts of self-pity and all the other tasty tidbits of narcissism you’ve been served up in your sheltered, comfy little worlds, you’ve heard terms like al-Qaeda and Islamicism.
And this enemy of mine — not of yours, apparently – must be getting a dark chuckle, if not an outright horselaugh – out of your vain, childish, self-destructive spectacle.
In the name of decency, go home to your parents, you losers. Go back to your mommas’ basements and play with your Lords Of Warcraft.
Or better yet, enlist for the real thing. Maybe our military could whip some of you into shape.
They might not let you babies keep your iPhones, though. Try to soldier on.
Schmucks.
FM

And, YES, this is real, even tho I h/t The Onion‘s Sean ONeal, by responding with:

Indeed, go home to your mom’s basements and play with your Lords Of Warcraft things—which are the childish and dumb pursuits of most OWS protesters—while Frank Miller gets on with the business of men: creating comic books that can then be turned into big-budget movies by corporations that you babies can then drool over in your sheltered, comfy little worlds while watching them on your iPads. (Please.) And also know this, Occupy Wall Street protesters: Right now Frank Miller is drawing Batman punching you so, so hard. [via THR]


You should take the time to read thru the comments section of the Anarchy blog post. InsightfulInciteful.

Follow @BuelahMan

Did I rub you the wrong way or stroke you just right? Let me know below in the comments section or Email me at buelahman {AT} g m a i l {DOT} com

If for some reason you actually liked this post, click the “Like” button below. If you feel like someone else needs to see this (or you just want to ruin someone’s day), click the Share Button at the bottom of the post and heap this upon some undeserving soul. And as sad as this thought may be, it may be remotely possible that us rednecks here at The Revolt please you enough (or more than likely, you are just a glutton for punishment??), that you feel an overwhelming desire to subscribe via the Email subscription and/or RSS Feed buttons found on the upper right hand corner of this page (may the Lord have mercy on your soul).

All posts are opinions meant to foster comment, reporting, teaching & study under the “fair use doctrine” in Sec. 107 of U.S. Code Title 17. No statement of fact is made or should be implied. Ads appearing on this blog are solely the product of the advertiser and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of BuehlahMan’s Revolt or WordPress.com

Posted in B'Man's Snarks, Big Banking, Big Money, The Onion, The Sheople | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

You Are What You Eat

Posted by BuelahMan on September 16, 2011

Surely he knew that eating shit can only lead to bad experiences.

In a somewhat related story:

Serena Williams Fined $2000 For Eating Chair Umpire

“Eat Shit and Die” by Margaret Cho and Grant Lee Phillips

h/t BoingBoing and The Onion

 

Posted in B'Man's Snarks, Barack Obama, Cheats and Scoundrels, Corruption, Dissent, Humor, NeoLiberal Criminals, Society, The Onion, Video | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Restoration Of ‘Star Spangled Banner’ Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Posted by BuelahMan on July 4, 2010

Susan Eckman from The National Archives comes on Today Now! to share newly discovered National Anthem verses about brutally decapitating enemies during the War of 1812.

All posts are opinions meant to foster comment, reporting, teaching & study under the “fair use doctrine” in Sec. 107 of U.S. Code Title 17. No statement of fact is made or should be implied. Ads appearing on this blog are solely the product of the advertiser and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of BuehlahMan’s Redstate Revolt or WordPress.com

Posted in Humor, The Onion, Video | 3 Comments »

Prematurely Born-Again Christian Suffers Complications

Posted by BuelahMan on July 15, 2009

more about “Prematurely Born-Again Christian Suff…“, posted with vodpod

Posted in Christianity, Humor, Religion, The Onion | 1 Comment »

Obama Revises Campaign Promise Of ‘Change’ To ‘Relatively Minor Readjustments In Certain Favorable Policy Areas’

Posted by BuelahMan on May 30, 2009

Finally, the truth is in the word play:

WASHINGTON—In a slight shift from his campaign trail promise, President Obama announced Monday that his administration’s message of “Change” has been modified to the somewhat more restrained slogan “Relatively Minor Readjustments in Certain Favorable Policy Areas.”

Today, Americans face a great many challenges, and I hear your desperate calls for barely measurable and largely symbolic improvements in the status quo,” said Obama, who vowed never to waver in his fight for every last infinitesimal nudge forward on the controversial issues of torture and the military ban on homosexuals. “Remember: Yes we can, if by that you mean tiptoeing around potentially unpopular decisions that could alienate a large segment of the populace.” Washington insiders said that, while the new mottos are certainly in keeping with Obama’s pledge of government transparency, they are significantly less catchy.

h/t The Onion

Posted in Barack Obama, Demublican/Repubocrat Party, Humor, The Onion | Leave a Comment »

New Hope For “Hoo-Has”, “Tatas” and The Nether Regions

Posted by BuelahMan on March 31, 2009

Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There

STOCKHOLM—In recognition of her groundbreaking work treating life- threatening diseases of the privates, renowned hoo-ha specialist Dr. Victoria Lazoff was awarded the Nobel Prize in Lady Medicine this week.

The world’s foremost authority on ailments down south, Lazoff led a team of cutting-edge hoo-ha doctors to develop new strategies for detecting abnormal growth in…you know, that area. The accomplished physician humbly accepted medicine’s highest honor before a crowd of her peers, and spoke about the importance of regular screenings to prevent unnecessary complications up inside one’s business.

“Recent advancements have brought us closer than ever to eliminating this threat, but early detection is still our best defense,” said Dr. Lazoff, who earned a doctorate in lady parts from Johns Hopkins University. “I thank you all for this great honor, which I hope will finally bring the world’s attention to the serious matter of [hoo-ha] disease.”

Attendees said Lazoff then presented a number of slides pertaining to the, uh, nether-type zone.

This marks the first time in more than 20 years that a Nobel Prize has been given to a physician who specializes in all that stuff downstairs. Committee members praised Lazoff for helping to stem the frightening epidemic, which last year killed more women than ta-ta and derriere cancer combined.

In many cases, Lazoff’s methods have been able to prevent the spread of malignant cells from the inside of the um, geez, to the…more inside of…you know, the part that’s sort of, uh….God, is it getting hot in here?

During the remarkably noninvasive procedure, targeted blasts of radiation are delivered to the, err, naughty region through a special, well, wand-like device that is—ahem—inserted near the, ho boy, “affected area.”

You get the picture.

The treatment was also found to eliminate fibrous growths without causing nerve damage to the surrounding bits, the inside stuff, and that other thing that looks kind of like a rubber hoop. For these reasons, Lazoff’s work has been heralded by many in her field as “invaluable” to modern medicine.

“Dr. Lazoff is a brilliant and dedicated physician who has saved countless lives with her research, and I can think of no one more deserving of this award,” said noted pediatric oncologist Dr. Harold Brimson. “How many do you think she sees in a day? Must be a ton.”

Accompanying the Nobel Prize is a $1.4 million grant that, according to medical experts, can buy Lazoff a lot of those metal spreader thingies. But the talented physician told reporters she is not interested in monetary reward, and only hopes to educate at-risk women about their own vag—genit—about their health.

“We should be encouraging an open dialogue with our young women, one that isn’t constrained by some outdated facade of 1950s morality,” Lazoff said to a crowd of people looking down at their shoes. “I cannot say this clearly enough: Ladies, please, make an appointment to get your annual [looksie-doo], especially if you are [seeing a fella] or have experienced pain or sensitivity in your ['Hello, my baby! Hello, my darling! Hello, my ragtime gal!'].”

Added Lazoff, “It is time for this country to begin having a frank discussion about the [sound of loud, extended train whistle].”

Let’s give a great big Labia tip to The Onion

Oh, and there are graphics.

Posted in Humor, The Onion | Leave a Comment »

Happy Valentine’s Day

Posted by BuelahMan on February 14, 2009

Hint… hint…

onionmagazine_archive_164a-1h/t The Onion

Posted in Funny Pic, Humor, The Onion | 3 Comments »

HEADLINES: Dog Finds Absolutely Perfect Place To Shit

Posted by BuelahMan on February 3, 2009

dog-shit

PORTLAND, OR—After carefully examining every inch of sidewalk within a four block radius of his home Tuesday, local dog Sigmund, 4, finally found the absolutely perfect place to squat down on his hind legs and void his bowels. The Labrador retriever mix—who bypassed a series of nearly perfect spots to deposit his feces—scanned the ground for a full seven minutes before eventually locating the 4-by-5-inch region that exhibited an ideal synthesis of ground texture, smell, and plant-life proximity. Sigmund then carefully strained out two and one quarter lengths of excrement onto the ideal site, approximately 11 inches from the curb and 4 inches from a street sign soaked in another dog’s urine. This marked Sigmund’s most successful location hunt today, surpassing an earlier incident in which the dog found a pretty okay place to vomit.

h/t The Onion

Posted in Bush, Humor, The Onion | 3 Comments »

Hillary Clinton Caught Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath (Just In Case)

Posted by BuelahMan on January 21, 2009

Hillary Clinton Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath

WASHINGTON—Network news cameras covering Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony Tuesday captured Hillary Clinton silently moving her lips along with each word of the minute-long presidential oath of office. As she stood watching several yards from Chief Justice John Roberts, the former Democratic presidential candidate could be observed placing her left hand on a leather appointment book and raising her right hand slightly from her hip. Clinton, who carefully followed the swearing-in procedure with her eyes shut tightly, only varied from the president’s words once, when she soundlessly mouthed her name instead of Barack Obama’s. Clinton was later seen at an inaugural ball pretending she was dancing with first lady Michelle Obama.

via The Onion

Posted in 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Humor, The Onion | 4 Comments »

Pacman Jones: ‘Who Do I Have To Kill To Get Reinstated Into The NFL?

Posted by BuelahMan on December 27, 2008

This dude really wants to play ball:

DALLAS—Noting that it has been over a year since his supposed one-year suspension from the NFL for his involvement in off-the-field criminal incidents, cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones wondered aloud Monday as to whom he had to kill to begin playing football again. “Man, what does [NFL commissioner Robert] Goodell want me to do, straight up gank someone? Choke someone out? Knife a guy? Put a bullet through some dude’s earhole? Because I’m willing to do whatever it takes,” Jones said to reporters present to watch him move into his new Dallas home. “Just say a name and the man is dead before you put the phone down, I want to play so bad.” Goodell said he would be glad to meet with Jones before camp begins in order to discuss his future and stressed that Jones should please not kill him.

h/t The Onion

Posted in Humor, The Onion | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Where Are All Those pansy-assed “Love Thy Neighbor” Christians?

Posted by BuelahMan on November 19, 2008

everyoneelse

I’m Not One Of Those ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ Christians

Everybody has this image of “crazy Christians” based on what they hear in the media, but it’s just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent folks. We don’t all blindly follow a bunch of outdated biblical tenets or go all fanatical about every bit of dogma. What I’m trying to say is, don’t let the actions of a vocal few color your perceptions about what the majority of us are like.

Like me. I may be a Christian, but it’s not like I’m one of those wacko “love your neighbor as yourself ” types.

God forbid!

I’m here to tell you there are lots of Christians who aren’t anything like the preconceived notions you may have. We’re not all into “turning the other cheek.” We don’t spend our days committing random acts of kindness for no credit. And although we believe that the moral precepts in the Book of Leviticus are the infallible word of God, it doesn’t mean we’re all obsessed with extremist notions like “righteousness” and “justice.”

My faith in the Lord is about the pure, simple values: raising children right, saying grace at the table, strictly forbidding those who are Methodists or Presbyterians from receiving communion because their beliefs are heresies, and curing homosexuals. That’s all. Just the core beliefs. You won’t see me going on some frothy-mouthed tirade about being a comfort to the downtrodden.

I’m a normal Midwestern housewife. I believe in the basic teachings of the Bible and the church. Divorce is forbidden. A woman is to be an obedient subordinate to the male head of the household. If a man lieth down with another man, they shall be taken out and killed. Things everybody can agree on, like the miracle of glossolalia that occurred during Pentecost, when the Apostles were visited by the Holy Spirit, who took the form of cloven tongues of fire hovering just above their heads. You know, basic common sense stuff.

But that doesn’t mean I think people should, like, forgive the sins of those who trespass against them or anything weird like that.

We’re not all “Jesus Freaks” who run around screaming about how everyone should “Judge not lest ye be judged,” whine “Blessed are the meek” all the time, or drone on and on about how we’re all equal in the eyes of God! Some of us are just trying to be good, honest folks who believe the unbaptized will roam the Earth for ages without the comfort of God’s love when Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior returns on Judgment Day to whisk the righteous off to heaven.

Now, granted, there are some Christians on the lunatic fringe who take their beliefs a little too far. Take my coworker Karen, for example. She’s way off the deep end when it comes to religion: going down to the homeless shelter to volunteer once a month, donating money to the poor, visiting elderly shut-ins with the Meals on Wheels program—you name it!

But believe me, we’re not all that way. The people in my church, for the most part, are perfectly ordinary Americans like you and me. They believe in the simple old-fashioned traditions—Christmas, Easter, the slow and deliberate takeover of more and more county school boards to get the political power necessary to ban evolution from textbooks statewide. That sort of thing.

We oppose gay marriage as an abomination against the laws of God and America, we’re against gun control, and we fervently and unwaveringly believe that the Jews, Muslims, and all on earth who are not born-again Pentecostalists are possessed by Satan and should be treated as such.

When it comes down to it, all we want is to see every single member of the human race convert to our religion or else be condemned by a jealous and wrathful God to suffer an eternity of agony and torture in the Lake of Fire!

I hope I’ve helped set the record straight, and I wish you all a very nice day! God bless you!

h/t The Onion

even_jesus_hates_you

Posted in B'Man's Hypocrite Watch, Big Religion, Christianity, Crazies, The Onion | Leave a Comment »

If You Love America… You’ll Throw Money Down The Money Hole

Posted by BuelahMan on November 15, 2008

Posted in Big Banking, Big Military, Big Money, Economy, The Onion, Video | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision

Posted by BuelahMan on November 14, 2008

Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision

November 14, 2008

WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon which American society is based. “After carefully considering the relevance of the 10 inviolable rights that comprise the ideological foundation on which our nation is built, the court finds that these basic freedoms remain important for the time being, and should not be overturned,” read the majority opinion authored by Justice Anthony Kennedy, who cast the tie-breaking vote. “Until such time as it can be definitively proven that citizens no longer require the protections provided by the Bill of Rights, it shall remain the principal legal guidance for the United States of America.” The Supreme Court’s latest decision comes on the heels of last month’s 6-3 ruling to abolish the pursuit of happiness from the three inalienable rights guaranteed by the Declaration of Independence.

I wouldn’t be a bit surprised… h/t The Onion

Posted in The Onion | Leave a Comment »

 
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