Where Do You Buy Your Shit?

New Linens-N-Shit Opens

MACON, GA—Linens-N-Shit, the nation’s largest retailer of bedsheets, tablecloths, and a wide assortment of other shit, will open its new location Tuesday morning at the Macon Mall.

“We are excited to open our first store in the Macon area, and we encourage shoppers to arrive early and check out all of our great linens and shit,” said Robert Barlow, the company’s senior vice president. “We’re proud to offer the local community the best selection of the name-brand shit you want at the prices you love.”

“We’ve got all sorts of shit,” Barlow added. “Bath shit, kitchen shit, shit for the bedroom, seasonal shit, and all the other shit you could possibly imagine, plus linens.”

The store is scheduled to open its doors at 6 a.m. The first 100 customers will receive a bunch of free shit.

The 55,000-square-foot facility features 12 full-service checkout lanes and six express lanes, four kiosks to register shit for important events, and dozens of aisles stacked floor to ceiling with an estimated 650 tons of shit. Kenneth Resch, manager of the Macon store, said that if customers cannot find shit in the right color or size, the shit they need can be located in heaping piles of overstock shit in the Linens-N-Shit warehouse.

“Anything not available at our retail location can easily be purchased from our online store at linensnshit.com,” Resch said. “We’ve got a crapload of shit there.”

Resch, who oversaw the hiring process for the store’s 120 full-time and part-time employees, praised his staff’s friendly and helpful service, as well as its willingness to sort through enormous bins of shit in order to match the right shit to the customer’s needs.

Customers who got a sneak peek at the new store during its silent opening Friday evening were impressed.

“Look at all this great shit!” said Macon resident Joy Anderson, who claims she usually spends an average of $500 a month on linens and other shit. “Whenever we wanted to buy a ton of shit before, we had to go all the way out to the Galleria Mall in Centerville. But now we’ve got all the shit we need right here.”

Although a sluggish market has forced many large-format retailers to scale back their operations and even close locations, Linens-N-Shit insists that the economy will not prevent the store from providing the consumer with superior quality linens, storage and organizational shit, framed crap, and some foreign-made designer bullshit.

“We’ve always had a simple strategy of selling shit and linens to people, and we don’t intend to stop now,” CEO Henry Considine said. “This company has weathered both the credit crisis and the housing-market crash, because no matter how bad the economy gets, consumers will always continue to buy shit.”

In response to the overwhelmingly positive reaction to Linens-N-Shit stores, the company plans to sell excess shit as well as irregular or slightly imperfect crap at their new Shit-N-Shit factory outlets.

Accused church shooter threatened to kill wife, himself : TVUU church shooting : Knoxville News Sentinel

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Monster: Who Really Killed the Knoxville Unitarians?

I’d say that Unitarians were God’s thoughtful people, but they make no particular claims about God. In some parts of the country that takes real courage.

My first wife and I joined a Unitarian church in suburban DC and raised our kids there. She and I were from different religious backgrounds – in a way, I was from different religious backgrounds, raised in Judaism but with Catholic and Southern Baptist relatives. We both practiced Buddhist meditation (and found others there that did the same.)

Unitarians tend to be intellectual, verbal, literate, thoughtful, and from a variety of backgrounds. Some are atheist, some are agnostic, others believe in God in a variety of Eastern and Western forms. Some would describe themselves as “ethically Christian,” although others would not – and it is not an exclusively Christian group. The running joke among Unitarians was that the name “Jesus” is only heard when someone falls down the stairs, and that the only sacrament is the black coffee brewed after services.

The Unitarian Universalist (or UU) denomination is the product of a merger between Unitarianism and Universalism, two centuries-old Christian denominations. Unitarianism was founded on the belief that the Trinity was illogical and that there could only be one divinity. Universalists believed that God was too merciful to condemn anyone to an eternity in hell, and that even the most evil person would get out of there eventually (after fifty thousand years or so). Eventually they merged and abandoned all dogma. (You can read the Knoxville church’s website for a summary of beliefs.)

When my work sent me to Hungary, I arrived in the only nation on earth that ever had a Unitarian state (during the reign of King John Sigismund, who decreed religious tolerance in 1568). Ralph Waldo Emerson is the closest thing to a saint that UU’s have. An ordained minister in the church, his Harvard Divinity School address was revolutionary in its day.

Emerson rejected all claims of the supernatural in the Bible. He said that miracles were “monster,” in the original meaning of that word as “against nature.” In a characteristically striking turn of phrase, he said they were “not one with the blowing clover and the falling rain.” Emerson was telling us that the beauty of the manifest world should be enough.

Is it worth killing a person for believing that?

My current (and future) wife and I were married by the Rev. Forrest Church at All Souls Unitarian in Manhattan. (Dr. Church is now teaching us how to face death.) When at several points in my career jobs came up in the Deep South, I always checked to see if there was a Unitarian Church nearby. One of those job possibilities, which I chose not to pursue, was in Knoxville.

Jim Adkisson of Powell, Tennessee was the man with his finger on the trigger. He had mental health problems, and a hard and bitter life. He apparently left a letter explaining that he hated the church for its liberal beliefs and opinions. And the church had a sign outside indicating it welcomed gays and lesbians.

Who really killed those Unitarians? Was it the preachers who spread hatred and intolerance? The politicians who court and flatter them instead of condemning their hate speech? The media machine that attacks liberals, calls them “traitors” and suggests you speak to them “with a baseball bat”? The economic system that batters people like Jim Adkinson until they snap, then tells them their real enemies are gays and liberals and secular humanists?

If you ask me, it was all of the above.

You killed them, Pat Robertson. You killed them, Pastor Hagee. You killed them, Ann Coulter. You killed them, Dick Morris and Sean Hannity and the rest of you at Fox News.

The shooting began while the children of the church were putting on a musical based on “Annie.” One broad-shouldered church member blocked the bullets from hitting other people, and died. You don’t need to believe in dogma to be a hero. Remember that song from “Annie”? It probably got on your nerves like it got on mine. “The sun’ll come out tomorrow.”

The sun coming out. That’s natural. It’s one with the blowing clover and the falling rain. But a man driven insane, then programmed by society to kill people just because they’re loving and tolerant?

That’s monster.

RJ Eskow blogs:
A Night Light
The Sentinel Effect: Healthcare Blog
RJ Eskow at the Huffington Post